Imagine this scenario:

You’ve got an exam coming up tomorrow; and you haven’t studied one bit. You’re gonna have to pull a super all-nighter for a class that you don’t even like.

Rubbish.

But you do it anyway because tuition is expensive. The first stage of this awful process is the

Painful Learning

You start going through countless pages of information, all of which is very confusing and slightly off-putting. Then, there’s the

Moment’s Reprieve

You somehow manage to get to a point where you can sleep right before the exam. But to no avail, because now comes the

Everlasting Migraine

Your ear piercing alarm clock goes off seemingly minutes after you lay your head down, and gives you the most wicked headache you’ve ever had. And it gets worse, since you can’t seem to find it to turn it off. 20 minutes pass and you finally silence the beastly machine, but it has already done it’s damage. You’re tired, annoyed, and confused.

 

What if I told you that this is akin to the experience of watching Birdemic: Shock & Terror? It is quite possibly the worst movie ever created. Not even home movies made by 10 year olds can be as bad as this. It’s almost an art. I both revere and despise the movie because of this and I will break down it’s three stages.

THE FIRST HALF: PAINFUL LEARNING

Much like an unwanted cram session, the movie begins by bombarding you with more cinematic grievances than the CinemaSins YouTube channel. You’re welcomed by 10 minutes of boring opening credits and awful looping music, just to lull into a state of confusion and annoyance: ripe to fully appreciate the film. Between the impossibly bad (worse than nonexistent) sound editing, the robotic main character, and head scratching cuts and dialogue, the first half of this movie really makes you wanna say, “why am I watching this?” or “what the devil is going on???” Very natural reactions if you ask me. But you have no idea what’s in store.

THE INTERLUDE: MOMENT’S REPRIEVE

About 5 seconds of black screen. You can either feel blessed to have a break from the story or feel cursed because it really only emphasises the next portion.

THE SECOND HALF: EVERLASTING MIGRAINE

It only takes 45 minutes for this movie to show it’s horrendous true colours. And it hits you like a high speed train that you didn’t even hear coming. Out of the black screen immediately comes the incessant screeching of 1,000 birds, with the volume cranked up to 200% for emphasis. I am being sincere when I say please do not wear headphones during this part of the movie, especially if you have the volume adjusted for the first half. Like an alarm clock that you cannot find, the birds screech and you know not when it will end. Sometimes you think it’s over, but it comes back full force just to drill the migraine deeper into your head. An entire three thousand and six hundred seconds pass… which feels more like three thousand years, but it’s finally over. And yet, you feel no reprieve. No tranquility. Because Birdemic has already cursed you. It’s shock and terror ingrained into your mind, making you wish you still had those 600mg ibuprofen pills. You’re tired. You’re annoyed. You’re confused.

 

But at the end of it all, you can still appreciate that it takes some sort of witchcraft to be able to put together a movie that bad. Sharknado tries, but it’s nowhere near this terrible. If you could give James Nguyen an Oscar for Worst Movie of All Time, you would. And even though it isn’t much of a compliment, it’s one heck of an achievement.